Short post. Mostly a rant, really.
The issue in my life at the moment is that of how much I've wasted it. At least, that is the opinion of some. I agree, to a certain extent. In the past year, I have worked 3 different jobs. I've greatly increased my skills as a graphic designer and all-around craftsman. I even started this blog, which, to me, is a huge leap of my self-expression in both artistic and literary ways.
I guess another point I want to make is...I've felt terribly orphaned lately. It happened progressively, in small steps, for the past couple of years because of the accomplishments and events going on in my 3 sisters' lives. Alex is academically cruising through high school, taking 3 AP courses and was recently accepted to BYU Hawaii. And now my parents are trying to find out how to solve transportation and housing and those things. My sister Ashley got married, and their newlywed issues take up a little attention as well, which is definitely understandable. I can't imagine a new marriage starting without a few issues such as furniture, housing and those things like that. And finally, Kristen. The family's prodigy, it seems. She's traveled to many places in the world, and can basically do anything she wants in terms of schooling. And now she's confronted with the questions of what she wants to do in life, as well as looking for a husband.
I hate to be someone who is looking for attention, because as many of you know, I am completely sick of those people. Also, it seems that any attention I do get nowadays is extremely negative and turns into "Why are you sitting around?" I admit, I have not been very productive this past year. But my parents make it sound like I haven't made any attempts at moving on in life at all. I'm not treated like my sisters. They don't ask me questions about what I want from life. All they do is expect things from me. Right now, it's expecting to find a job. And soon, I bet, it will be expecting me to go into school, knowing very well how it works.
There are many things in college that are a big question mark to me. Financial Aid? Credits per hour? What classes to start taking, and how to get to the career I want? These are enormous questions that I have no idea about. I have attempted to ask, but my parents beat around the bush about it, to my great annoyance.
I don't know when I'll be treated the same way my sisters have. You know, someone with an actual future. At this point, it just seems to be more about being a missionary. And you guys know how I feel about that curse.
:) I'm sorry that we've been the center of attention. Maybe as girls we demand it because we're so incredibly vocal...Alex and Kristen in particular.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know how you feel about the prodigy child...try living in her shadow your whole life, while being the OLDER sister. Meh. Not fun.
Don't feel abandoned or sad. You have awesome things to look forward to. You're going to be achieving great things while at UVU this summer and working towards a Digital Media degree! And then later you'll have a missionary experience that will define you in a way that you WANT to be defined. (I read your other post---I didn't agree with being "labeled". It's so much more than that)
Maybe you should be more vocal about YOUR creations and your goings on. Tell us about the things you've been involved with and what you're doing. Just because it may not be OUR hobby or OUR thing, doesn't mean it's not something we don't enjoy hearing about. I support ya all the way. Your future is as bright as your faith--don't let anyone tell you differently!
Mom and Dad define success in a certain way. SUCCESS = A+B There are a MILLION different ways to define success. Yours may look completely different from their version. (SUCCESS = TxF-C) TRUST ME, I've had similar feelings like what you've voiced above. Mom and Dad see what they want to see, and all other actions/flaws just get played up and compared to all the other children. I've been criticized and looked down upon several times..I haven't exactly been a golden child and they've told me from time to time.I know...GASP! right? Nevertheless, I'm sorry you feel this way.
@Ashley
ReplyDeleteBeing a male missionary and a female missionary are two completely different things, it seems. For you, it was a choice. For us guys, it's a commandment. One that, if we refuse, are basically put on the marital black list for the rest of our lives. And no, I'm not joking about that. It's a huge responsibility, and on top of that, the biggest expectation of any young man in the church. It's not like I'm saying I don't want to serve a mission. I'm eager to. But like I've said so many times, it has become a label in our society. Young men in the church serve missions. That is what they grow up to do. It feels like some tribal coming-of-age journey at this point. If anything, I'd say the church members that keep expecting me to serve a mission just from the norms of Utah society are the ones that diminish the value of it.
OH MAN I LOVE UTAH.
This is a bit of a to be or not to be issue, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYou could just ignore them. You're going on a mission because you want to, because you know its value. If people think you're doing it because you're a sheep, because it's just the thing that men our age do, don't even bother telling them they're wrong. Even if they're your parents or siblings.
Although it is sometimes appropriate to just out and say, "I'm doing it for myself and God, not you," if they're really pushing it. Maybe you should let your parents know how you feel.
It's your choice, though. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to treat your family's opinion of you with apathy, or to secure a proper place in their structure by "being vocal".