kindled.

Two years is a long time to live a dedicated life to the Lord in the extreme that I did. It was definitely a learning and growing experience to gain the Holy Ghost's guidance and influence at the level and consistency I needed to fulfill my role as a missionary. I won't say that I had the Spirit with me at all times and that it led me to every door and person I approached. In fact, I doubt most missionaries ever achieve that kind of dependence at all times. We're human. It's difficult. I did appreciate, though, the confirming Spirit that what I was doing as I served was right. I know that He was always there to help me along. Always.

That mantle was taken from me a little over a week ago, and I am now realizing the magnitude of it. That constant little flame, that small nudge to serve and testify to others isn't nearly as strong as it was. I'd even say it's gone altogether more often than not. I can feel traces of it as I pray and read myself every now and then.

Life as a missionary puts you in an environment where you are in the Holy Ghost's embrace as long as you're striving to be obedient to God's commandments and the rules of the field. I completely see that now. I used to get up, pray with my companion, read scriptures myself for an hour, and then discuss miscellaneous spiritual things with my companion for another hour. I was constantly learning intellectually and spiritually, as well as bonding with my companion as we would grow together. Those were exciting times! It all seemed so effortless, because that was what we were called to do. No matter where we went or who we talked to, we carried that warmth within us.

I can only notice those things now because for the most part, they are gone from me. It has come to make me realize something I hope I can help me to push myself through life. That is, spiritual livelihood is not something received by pondering and remembering things of the past. It is earned by continually preparing yourself for the future through intimate prayer, intimate scripture reading and intimate church attendance in communion with our Heavenly Father.

I attended Institute this evening. The feelings I had there only confirm what I'm saying now. i'm so grateful that the church has programs that help us learn in groups other than on Sundays. I'm grateful that this is a church where CONSTANT learning and growth are not only encouraged; they're mandatory, to an extent. I've seen too many other churches and people only making Sunday the day of remembrance. The effects are next to worthless. True Christianity is not a weekly worship service. It is an intimate daily worship service, laced with prayers and reading and giving thanks.

Having realized all these things, I'm striving to do better. I know I'll get caught up in "life", as many of us do. I miss the feelings of a missionary, though.

Never thought I'd say such a thing, but it's the honest truth. I miss the spirit in being a missionary.