penultimate.

 I AM LEAVING FOR MY MISSION ON OCTOBER 12th

I'm guessing this will be my second-to-last post on here before my mission. I'm leaving a couple loose ends. I haven't finished detailing my adventures in San Diego, nor have I written about the other half of my Hawaii trip. I just don't really have the concentration to do those things right now... I don't have the concentration to do anything, it seems. My life is literally being thrown away as I know it, and I don't know how to react other than shutting down. I don't have the resources or availability to really get started with projects I'd like to do in my life. I'm so ready to start living for once, but I can't do it. White noise is surrounding me, and it's so loud that I try to listen to all of it to pick out what I need to focus on.


I like my life as it is now...it's not perfect; there are some people I need right now. I have friends here, though. Friends that count on me to make things better for them. I haven't known them for very long. How will I stay with them? Or do I matter enough?

If I had known I'd be leaving this late, I'd have taken 2 semesters of college so far. But I haven't. I'll come back as a 22-year-old Freshman. I think I'm figuring out why girls are excelling in education more than guys are. In the Mormon community, guys take off 4 entire semesters to serve a mission. That's the difference between a Freshman and a Senior. I don't think that's very fair at all. Strange to think that when I come back, Alexis will have more college education than me. If she starts right out of high school, anyway. I hope she does. I don't want her to make the same mistake I did.

In the course of 2 years, all my friends will have gone through their generals at UVU, and they'll move on to other options. Other friends I have will be on missions. I can't imagine coming home to a community that I've known for a while. I'm going to have to find new friends all over again... and once again, I'll be forgotten by the ones that have left. It's harsh of me to say these things about my friends, but I've moved enough to prove that separation happens if initiative isn't taken from both sides. People say, "You'll find friends in your mission companions." If you know me, I'm not really a goody-goody- two shoes Mormon. None of the friends I've made are Utah-grown mama's boys, and I don't plan to befriend any. But I can't predict the future, of course.

These last couple of weeks will be a dream. I'll work hard for the Anime and Japan club to spread happiness to others, and then drift away. People will say "Yeah, there was one person here named Matt", and I'll become a fairy tale. I really want to make my friends happy in any way I can, which, I guess... is why it hurts to leave them all, especially when I know a few that rely on me a little to make them happy. I guess I'll have to shift my focus over to making others happy through Christ. And...that's as simple as it has to be.

My plans on my return home include reapplying for my job at Trafalga, hopefully gaining a higher position like a supervisor; moving down to Orem and getting out of the house; waiting until winter semester to take classes, and then jump into the normal ring beginning in the spring; attempting to get in contact with old friends; becoming ferociously active in the Anime and Japan club once again; reviewing the big news from the anime and video game industries; and playing around in the snow for the first time in 3 years.